Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
