My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
