i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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