She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
