I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
time to smoke my breakfast
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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