I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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