You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
