this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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