So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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