Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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