I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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