The maid of honor just puked.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
