i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Drake has all the answers
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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