his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
