I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
