We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize