i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
