I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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