This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
