Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
