Swine flu. Run for my life!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
