a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i out mim tonsoeep
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