Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
