Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
