At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
