I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
