Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am available for nakedness
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
