Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
