He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
