I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
