I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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