Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
