so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
