how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
