do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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