is your mom at the bar?
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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