I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
