You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
