so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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