You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
