im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
