I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
