Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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