I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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