she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
