If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
