I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
