So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
