Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
