booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
