Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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