I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
