there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
