The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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