I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
