I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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