you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
