So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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