checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
