I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
