there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
