Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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