The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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